I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
