i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
