If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
