East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
