I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
