apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
