i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You can't motorboat a personality
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
