I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
