I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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