I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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