Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
