There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
