I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
