On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
