its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
