I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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