Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
