Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
