How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
