just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
