Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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