Just cropdusted the office
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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