I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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