Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Two words: blizzard sex
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
