My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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