I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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