Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
