he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
This is my gift to your gina
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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