u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
