It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
