I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Randomize
