This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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