Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
