when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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