My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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