she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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