I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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