Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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