why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
