I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
