we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
