It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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