Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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