i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
