I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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