I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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