you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
