ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
