there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
