He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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