i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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