It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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