the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
