Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
