Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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