NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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