i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
