Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
